It's a Terrible Life
by CaroH
Summary: What happened to Sam after Zachariah restored Dean's memories at the end of the episode?
1. Chapter 1

Last night I was watching It's a Terrible Life and began to wonder what happened to Sam after Zachariah restored Dean's memories.

**It's a Terrible Life**

**Chapter 1**

Dean hated angels, particularly the smug, bald son of a bitch standing in front of him. Since when had it been okay to steal his memories and most of his awesome personality? How could it be right for him to be wearing a suit and driving a Prius? Damn, but that was disturbing. Zachariah had crossed a line and Dean would be happy to wipe that self-satisfied smirk off the angel's face. Of course, it was pretty funny to think of Sam working in a cubicle. Oh, crap. Sam!

"Where's my brother?" Dean asked.

"Ah, I must admit I was worried that Sam's memories would break through completely and spoil the point of this lesson." Zachariah sat down, completely relaxed and not looking the slightest bit worried about the seething mass of resentment called Dean Winchester.

"Answer the question," Dean snarled. "And, what have you done with my car."

"It wouldn't hurt for you to show some respect."

"You're a dick who messed with my head. I get it. I was destined to be a hunter. Fine. Now, where the hell is my brother?"

"Sam quit. He became quite violent. I had to call security to escort him from the building."

Dean's eyes widened in surprise. "Where'd he go?"

"I have no idea."

"He has got his memories back?"

"I'm afraid not. I couldn't risk restoring his memories until I was certain that you had come around to our way of thinking."

"I will never come around to your way of thinking. I'm not your damn puppet."

Zachariah's face turned red. Dean didn't even see the angel move, but suddenly Zachariah was standing only inches away from him. He held his ground, hands clenched into tight fists.

"You need to learn some manners so I am going to keep Sam's memories until you beg me for help."

Dean closed his eyes against a blast of cold air. When he opened them again he found that he was alone.

SNSNSN

Human Resources was on the seventh floor. Dean strode into the department, giving the impression that he belonged there. "I need an address for Sam Wesson," he said to the young woman sitting at the desk outside the office belonging to the H R Director.

She looked him up and down before licking her lips. "We aren't allowed to give out private information about members of staff."

Dean forced out a smile. "He gave his notice earlier today and it's important that I speak to him."

"I wish I could help you…"

"Look, I don't want you to get into any trouble but I'm worried about him. He worked in Tech Support and started acting irrationally after his friend, Ian, killed himself a couple of days ago. We think he blamed the company for Ian's death." Dean moved closer to the woman, noticing for the first time how attractive she was. His hormones did a little happy dance while he momentarily forgot his concerns about Sam.

"Oh, yes, we all heard about that. It was terrible. And then there was that other poor man who microwaved his brains."

She shuddered and Dean took the opportunity to rest his hand on her arm in a gesture of sympathy.

"You see why I want to make sure that he's okay. Two of his colleagues committed suicide and then he smashed his phone with a crowbar before quitting. I won't tell anyone who gave me the information. You could be helping to save his life. And, if you're not busy tonight maybe we could meet later for dinner."

Five minutes later Dean left the office with Sam's address and Felicity's phone number. It was such a damn shame that he was going to have to disappoint her.

SNSNSN

The apartment block where Sam had been living for the last three weeks was a world away from the beautiful waterfront loft which Dean had inhabited. Dean had been pleasantly surprised to find that his fake credit card was still working and had taken time out to buy some more comfortable clothes. He'd also placated his stomach with a double bacon cheese burger and fries.

There had been no further sign of Zachariah, which suited Dean just fine. However, he knew that he was going to need some help, which was why he was standing in an alley, in the dark, yelling for Castiel.

"What do you want?"

Dean turned in the direction of the voice. Castiel looked exactly the same as always, showing no emotion despite the fact that he had been betrayed by one his fellow angels.

"You know what Zachariah did to us?" Dean asked.

"Yes."

"Why didn't you do something?"

Castiel frowned. "Zachariah is my superior. He gave me my orders and I followed them."

"It didn't occur to you that what he did was wrong?"

"I don't question my orders. Why did you call me?"

"I need you to give Sam back his memories so that we can get out of here."

"That is not within my power. Zachariah is the only one who can do that."

"Son of a bitch!" Dean yelled. "There has to be another way. Come on, Cas, give me something to work with."

Castiel looked up at the sky. "You might be able to get through to him. He was remembering some of his life, although he thought they were dreams. His memories are not gone. Zachariah erected a wall around them. With your help, it is possible that Sam could break through the barrier."

"What if he can't?"

"This is the risk you must take, Dean. If he tries, and fails, his memories could disappear permanently."

Tbc

Caroline

April, 2010


	2. Chapter 2

**It's a Terrible Life**

**Chapter 2**

"Are you out of your mind, Boy?"

Dean winced, moving the phone further away from his ear as Bobby's voice rose in volume. "I'm not going to beg that winged dick for help," he replied.

"You'd risk your brother's sanity because you're too damn stubborn to know when you're beaten? Sometimes it's just the same as talking to your daddy. When he got a dumb idea in his head there was no point in trying to talk him out of it."

"I know what I'm doing, Bobby," Dean said.

"I doubt that."

"I'll call you in a few days." Dean hung up the call before Bobby could undermine his confidence any further.

"Bobby is right," Castiel said.

"Who said you could listen in?" Dean said, channeling his worry and anger toward the angel.

"I don't understand. Bobby was shouting very loudly."

"Whatever," Dean said. He was still pissed at Cas for making him torture Alistair, but right now he needed help and Cas was all he had. "Just tell me you know where my car is."

"I don't understand why that car is so important to you. There are many cars you could use."

"It was my dad's car, you son of a bitch." Dean grabbed tight hold of his temper before it got completely out of control. "Look, Cas, all our weapons are in that car with our fake IDs and credit cards. It would take months to replace them and we'd be of more use hunting Lilith."

"Yes, I agree. I will take you to your car." Castiel stepped forward, arm outstretched.

"Oh, no. I've had enough of angels messing with my head. Just tell me where it is."

"It is many hours from here as you humans travel."

"Great!" Dean looked indecisively from Castiel to the apartment building. "I'm going to talk to Sam. Once he gets his memories back you can zap us to the car."

SNSNSN

Sam Wesson was angry. Nothing in his life made sense anymore. He was in a town he'd never heard of, living out of a backpack in a rundown apartment. Without a job he wouldn't be able to pay next months rent and probably wouldn't even be able to afford some crap motel room. But, none of that mattered when compared to Dean's betrayal.

That alone made him wonder if he was losing his mind. He'd only met Dean a few days ago and yet he couldn't get rid of the feeling that he'd know Dean all his life. The dreams that Ian had mocked so mercilessly had been as clear as memories. The only time he could remember feeling alive was when he and Dean had been hunting the ghost. His life had finally held meaning and purpose. The two of them had worked together like a team…like brothers.

The empty beer bottles littering the table bore silent witness to his brooding. He was alone, lonely, and the only thing he knew for certain was that he had to leave. Maybe he was crazy, but he knew this wasn't the life he was meant to lead. Dean might be happy being a corporate douche bag, but he wasn't going to sit idel. There were bad things in the darkness and he was going to find a way to fight them.

A knock at the door startled him out of his thoughts. He couldn't keep the surprise from showing on his face when he saw who was waiting in the hallway. "Dean."

"Can I come in?"

Dean looked different and it wasn't just that he was wearing jeans. "What do you want?"

"Honestly? A beer would be good."

"I thought you were on a 'cleanse'." Sam couldn't help the sarcasm.

"Look, Sam, I know I behaved like a jerk last time we met, but things change. So, how about you invite me in and offer me a beer."

"Sure. Come in." Sam swung the door fully open and stood aside to let Dean enter the apartment. "Sorry about the mess. I wasn't expecting company." He collected a couple of beers from the fridge and handed one to Dean. "Sit down."

"Thanks." Dean drank deeply.

"Why are you here?" Sam tried to work out what had changed.

"I've been doing some thinking and you might be right. There's some weird shit out there and someone has to step up and keep people safe."

"If this is some kind of joke, it isn't funny. You couldn't wait to get me out of your office."

"I know, and I was wrong. Don't you think it's strange that we both joined Sandover at the same time? You said you only moved here because you split with your fiancee. Where'd you live before that?"

"No offence, dude, but I don't know you well enough to share my family history with you."

"You're the one that came to me, remember?"

"Alright," Sam said. "My mom died when I was a baby and my dad abandoned me. I was raised by my Uncle Bobby. When I was eighteen I moved away. I couldn't afford to go to college so I had to get a job. Turns out I'm good with computers so I was able to move around and pick up work anywhere I went. Madison was a secretary at a law firm I worked at. She was the first girl I'd really connected with since Jess."

"Jes?"

"I guess you would call her my high school sweetheart. She…died."

"It was a long time ago." Something stirred in his memories. Something he didn't want to think about. An ache started over his right eye.

"What about those dreams you've been having? You said we were like brothers."

"They were just dreams."

"Tell me about the last one you had."

Sam closed his eyes, remembering. "You were torturing a demon." He opened his eyes, expecting to see a look of disbelief on Dean's face. What he saw instead was rapt attention. "The demon got loose and…and almost killed you." He gasped in shock as a fierce pain stabbed him behind his eyes. Images began to fly through his mind, too fast for him to make out the details. It felt like his memories were slipping through his fingers like drops of water.

It had never happened before when he'd been awake and, it had never hurt like this. He moaned as the pain intensified and fought the urge to vomit.

"Sam! It's okay. Take it easy. Crap, what have I done?"

Dean's words made no sense. Sam stumbled to his feet, heading for the toilet and relief from the nausea in his gut. It was only when the retching ended that he realised Dean had followed him and was gripping his shoulders to hold him steady.

There was no time to be embarrased before Dean let go and walked out of the bathroom. Sam waited for the pain in his head to subside while the cold sweat dried on his skin. It was several minutes before he felt able to stand up. His reflection in the mirror wasn't encouraging. After rinsing the sour taste from his mouth, he splashed cold water on his face. It was only then that he remembered Dean's odd comment.

Tbc

Caroline

May, 2010


	3. Chapter 3

**It's a Terrible Life**

**Chapter 3**

Dean stared out the window, replaying over and over the heart-wrenching sight of his brother puking up his guts. He could still feel the tremors that had shaken Sam's body. And, it was his fault because he'd decided that he could outsmart that bastard, Zachariah. His job was to protect his little brother, not to hurt him. Dean felt his confidence evaporate. He'd made too many mistakes in his life and it always seemed that it was those he loved who had to pay the price.

He didn't know what to do and that uncertainty was crippling him. Telling Sam the truth could make things worse. The physical reaction was bad enough, but what if Sam's memories disappeared forever as a result? If he continued to lie, however, he would have to explain why he had suddenly started to act so protectively. He turned away from the window and...

"Sonuvabitch!" Dean yelled.

He was no longer in Sam's apartment. The room he was now in could have been in any one of the cheap motels they'd stayed in over the years. But, what was worse, he was standing almost nose to nose with Zachariah.

"Having fun yet?" Zachariah asked, smirking.

"Don't they teach you dicks about personal space?" Dean asked, backing away and clenching his hands into fists. "Take me back."

"I don't think so." Zachariah strolled over to one of the beds and sat down. "This is a disgusting place, but I thought you'd feel at home here."

Dean ignored the sarcasm. "Sam needs me."

"No, he doesn't. He managed just fine without you when you were in hell. Admittedly he chose the wrong path, but then we were expecting that. Sam always did put his own interests before those of anyone else. You'd think that he'd be more grateful after all that you did for him, but the minute you were dead he allowed that demon bitch to corrupt him. I'd say you two got along better when neither of you could remember anything."

Dean glared at the angel, not wanting to admit to the truth of that. "He's a sitting target without his memories." He swallowed the lump in his throat. "Please."

Zachariah cocked his head to one side, his beady eyes gleaming. "Are you ready to beg?"

"No...Yes, damn it. Take me back, do whatever you have to, but just fix him."

"And what do we get in return?"

"I'll do whatever you want." Dean almost choked on the words.

"Oh, you'll do that anyway. I'll admit I wasn't happy about having to come down here to deal with you pathetic little humans, but it's amusing to watch your feeble attempts to shape your own destiny. You're ours, Dean. From the minute Castiel pulled you out of the pit you've belonged to us."

"I don't belong to anyone," Dean growled.

"You see, that's the wrong attitude. You're an insignificant member of an inferior species and it's time you learned your place."

Dean's slender hold on his temper disappeared. "According to Cas you need me to stop the Apocalypse so maybe you should start being nicer to me."

Zachariah stood up and stalked toward Dean. "You have your role to play and you will play it."

"Fuck you," Dean shouted. "I'll get back to Sam on my own."

"I'm sure you will...eventually. Of course, by the time you drive halfway across the country to find him, Sam could be dead. You didn't think I was going to make this easy for you, did you? Your brother is very powerful, but right now he has no idea what he is capable of doing to protect himself."

Dean hesitated before making his decision. "Take me back right now or I'll..."

"What?" Zachariah interrupted him. "Threatening me isn't going to get Sam his memories back."

Dean shut his mouth, cutting off a comment that would only make things worse.

"Good." Zachariah wandered around the room, his expression clearly showing his disgust. "I will never understand why God made humans. I mean, look at this place? It's dirty, smelly," he paused. "Just like you humans. I will admit that I wasn't entirely unsympathetic to Uriel's views."

"What do you want from me?" Dean asked, ignoring the provocation with a supreme effort.

"Patience. But, above all, obedience. There will come a time when you will have a task to perform. I need assurances that you will act without question."

"Fine. Now, give Sam back his memories."

"All in good time. Remember, Dean, you need to learn patience."

There was a rustling sounds and Dean realized that he was alone. "I swear I'm going to find a way to kill that bastard," he said. He pulled out his phone, scrolling down the numbers until he reached Sam's. Praying that his brother would answer, he pressed the button.

SNSNSN

Sam stepped out of the bathroom, a host of questions waiting to be asked. He came to an abrupt halt when he couldn't see Dean. It took less than a minute to search the apartment and establish that he was alone. Although surprised that Dean had left without a word, he hadn't expected to feel as if he had been abandoned.

"This is crazy," he muttered. "Dude was probably freaked out by watching me throw up."

The sound of his phone ringing startled him so much that he felt his heart rate increasing. He answered it without checking to see who was calling. "Hello?"

"Where the hell have you been Sam?"

The female voice sounded familiar, but he couldn't recall a name. "Who is this?"

There was a brief pause. "It's Ruby. Where are you?"

"I'm sorry, but I think you must have a wrong number." Sam closed his eyes as the pain in his head began to increase again.

"If this is supposed to be a joke, it isn't funny. You dropped off the grid for weeks and we don't have much time left. The seals are falling and if we don't find Lilith soon it'll be too late."

"Seals? Lilith?" Sam knew this should mean something to him and fought for the memory. He groaned when a spike of pain almost split his head in two.

"Tell me where you are," Ruby demanded.

Sam blurted out his address before the phone slipped from his hand. He slid to the floor, curling up with his eyes squeezed shut. He didn't move even when he heard the sound of his door slamming open.

"You look like shit."

He looked up warily, his eyesight clearly slowly. The woman bending over him was attractive in a hard-edged way and he was sure he should recognize her. She was watching him appraisingly and without any obvious signs of sympathy.

"Who? How...?"

"You stink of angels," she said, pulling him to his feet.

He wasn't sure which was more astonishing, her strength or her off-hand and totally inexplicable reference to angels. His eyes widened in shock when she pulled a knife out of her boot. He tried to pull away from her, but her grip on his arm was too strong.

"Who are you? What do you want?"

"You really don't remember me, do you Sam? Maybe you'll remember this?" She released him and used the knife to cut a long incision in her arm.

Sam watched the blood start to flow. "What the hell are you doing?" He backed away from her.

Ruby followed, stalking him with an animal grace that was alluring and repelling at the same time. "This will help. You have to trust me."

His back hit the wall and she pressed her body up against his, raising her arm toward his face. The blood dripped down onto the carpet. He could feel himself responding to her, overwhelming his memories of his former fiancée, Madison.

"Drink it, Sam."

"You're out of your mind," Sam gasped even though he couldn't take his eyes off the blood. His right arm moved of its own accord, his hand fastening around her arm. He bent his head and began to drink, a moan of mingled disgust and pleasure welling in his throat.

Ruby cupped her hand around the back of his neck. "That's right, baby. Everything will be all right now."

Caroline

August, 2010


	4. Chapter 4

**It's a Terrible Life**

**Chapter 4**

Sam's phone went straight to voicemail. Dean ended the call without leaving a message. There wasn't anything he could say without sounding like a lunatic. He tried to ignore his rising anxiety about his brother's safety, thought about calling Bobby and then decided that he couldn't face being yelled at again. Calling Cass wasn't an option either. Zachariah had found him too easily and the only explanation was that Cass had been a good little angel and told his boss what was going on. Dean had to accept that it was his fault that Sam was alone and vulnerable and he'd find a way to deal with it.

He began to pay more attention to his surroundings. The walls were painted a truly hideous green, which didn't match the colors in the worn carpet or the covers on the beds. Maybe it hadn't been so bad to think he was Dean Smith. At least he'd had a comfortable, state of the art apartment. Shame about the Prius... Something about the mismatched furnishings triggered a sudden memory flash. "I'll be damned," he said.

Dean strode to the closet and opened the door. The clothing inside belonged to him and Sam, and their bags lay on the floor right where they'd dumped them right before Zak had grabbed them. This was the room they'd checked into after he'd been discharged from the hospital. That meant he was only a couple of hundred miles away from Sam.

He tried to remember where he'd left the car keys, finally locating them in the nightstand drawer. He scooped them up and headed for the door. A genuine smile lit up his face when he saw the Impala still parked in the space outside their room.

"Oh, baby, it's good to see you. Did you miss me?" He checked round the car quickly, running his hand over the smooth paintwork. There were no dents or scratches, although she looked like she needed to be cleaned and waxed. He unlocked the trunk, checked that was no-one near enough to see what was in there, and lifted the cover from their weapons cache. When his fingers closed around his gun he began to relax. With practised ease he ejected the clip, checked that it was full and snapped it back into place.

He had no idea who had paid to keep their room, and didn't care. Zak's over-confidence had finally given him a break and he was going to take full advantage. He tried Sam's number again without success. Five minutes later he was packed up and on the road.

SNSNSN

The Impala ate up the miles, shattering every speed restriction and carrying Dean steadily closer to his brother. Dean's luck held for less than a hundred miles before he heard the sound of police sirens. A quick glance in his mirror confirmed the presence of a sheriff's car on his tail.

"Give me a break," he yelled.

His urge to floor the gas pedal was overcome by good sense. There was no point in making this worse and a flat out chase could only end in disaster. He slowed his car and pulled onto the side of the road, then wound down his window and waited. Through his wing mirror he watched the officer get out of his car. The man looked to be in his mid-forties and he walked with the confident stride of a seasoned cop.

"In a hurry to get somewhere?" the officer asked when he reached the side of the Impala.

Dean kept his expression neutral and his mouth shut. He was going to get a speeding ticket, which he would ignore just like all the others he'd ever been given. All he wanted was to get this over with and be on his way.

"License and registration."

Dean reached over to the glove box and pulled out the registration document. It was as much of a fake as every other piece of identification in his possession, but he never stayed anywhere long enough for that to be a problem. He waited...and waited while the police officer studied the documents in minute detail. Then he began to get twitchy and, finally, a very bad feeling crept over him.

"Out of the car," the officer said.

"Look, I know I was speeding..."

"Out of the car."

Dean chewed his bottom lip while he weighed up his chances of making a break, and decided they were non-existent. The driver's door creaked when he opened it. The officer stepped back to give him room to exit the car and Dean took the opportunity to slip his gun behind his seat. He didn't need the added complication of explaining why he was armed.

"Turn round and put your hands on the car."

He knew that he could take down the officer without any effort, but that wasn't what he had been trained for. His father had spent years telling him that his job was to protect people from the evil of the world. He'd often thought it was a shame that most of the people didn't know enough to be grateful. It would never have been his choice to walk on the wrong side of the law, but it was all he'd ever known. He held still while he was frisked. It was unlikely that any of his hidden knives would be found. That would need a more thorough search.

"Hands behind your back."

"What?" Dean started to turn, changing his mind when he felt a gun pressed between his shoulder blades. "You can't arrest me for speeding."

"I'm taking you in on suspicion of vehicular homicide. A car matching this description hit a pedestrian earlier today and the driver failed to stop. The pedestrian died in hospital an hour ago."

"I didn't hit anyone," Dean said, flinching when the officer secured a cuff around his right wrist. "You've only got to look at my car to see it hasn't been in an accident." The second cuff tightened around his left wrist securing his arms behind his back.

"We'll leave that to the forensic boys."

Dean's stomach tightened unpleasantly as the officer read him his rights and he was let toward the police car. He wasn't guilty of the offence for which he was being arrested, but when the forensic team found the arsenal in the trunk he could kiss any chance of freedom goodbye. And, any hope of reaching Sam would disappear.

SNSNSN

Sam rolled over in bed and opened his eyes. Ruby was lying by his side with her back to him, her pale skin glistening with sweat from their frenetic sex. He'd felt like he was riding the most incredible high after drinking her blood and she hadn't objected when he picked her up and carried her into the bedroom.

A wave of shame swept over him. What was wrong with him? He looked away when he heard her turning over, unwilling to look her in the eye.

"I told you everything would be alright," she said.

He looked up, surprised. "How can this be alright? I...I don't know you and I drank your blood." He reached over and grabbed her arm, his panic rising. "Tell me what's happening to me."

"You have a destiny, Sam. It's your job to stop Lucifer from rising."

"You're out of your mind. I'm an IT geek, not a hero in some fairy tale." It disturbed him that his words lacked a certain amount of conviction and his thoughts kept returning to the nightmares he'd been experiencing for the last couple of weeks.

Ruby laughed. "It's no fairy tale."

"What about Dean?"

Her expression hardened. "Dean's the one who did this to you. Don't you remember? He wants you to fail."

Ruby sounded so sincere, yet Sam felt that something was wrong. In his dreams he and Dean had been hunting together. They'd been close friends, almost like brothers. Except that now he was thinking about it he was almost sure that there had been a disagreement, a time when they had wanted to follow separate paths. Yes, that made sense. Ruby had been helping him, and Dean had been holding him back.

"What do I have to do?" he asked.

Tbc

Caroline

Sept 2010


	5. Chapter 5

**It's a Terrible Life**

**Chapter 5**

The cell was six paces long and four paces wide. One wall consisted of thick metal bars and the door which the taciturn sheriff had locked securely to keep Dean penned in his prison. There was no natural light, only the harsh glare from the strip lights on the ceiling in the hallway outside the cell. Through the half-open doorway leading to the main office Dean could hear the sheriff talking on the phone. It sounded like the nearest forensic team was busy on another case, which was the first piece of good luck to come Dean's way since he had been stopped for speeding.

Filled with a restless energy, he found it impossible to settle on the hard narrow cot. He'd used his phone call to reach Bobby, rudely cutting through the older hunter's recriminations. He knew he had fucked up and his only concern was sending Bobby to watch Sam and keep him out of trouble.

A couple of hours passed agonizingly slowly and Dean was no closer to finding a way out. He slumped on the cot, the only sounds now coming from a drunk who had been hauled in and deposited in the next cell. The ear splitting snores were making it very hard to concentrate. Dean really wished he had his gun!

He knew that it would take several more hours for Bobby to reach Sam and the thought of his brother alone and vulnerable was killing him. Of course his guilt levels were also off the chart, but that was nothing new. If he'd just treated Zachariah with the respect the dick thought he deserved everything would have been fine. Sam would have his memories back and they'd be together, hunting some piece of shit the same as always.

"Why are you here?"

The question startled him out of his brooding. Castiel, his head tilted slightly to one side, was staring at him from the other side of the bars. Dean scowled at the angel. "Spying for your boss again?" he asked, not moving from the cot.

There was silence while Castiel appeared to consider the question. "We do not 'spy' as you put it. We watch over humanity for our Father."

"Sounds like spying to me." Dean wasn't feeling very forgiving and remained convinced that Castiel had betrayed his location to his superior. "How did you find me?"

"We are...connected."

"Great. My very own stalker."

"I do not understand. Having an angel watching over you is a good thing."

"Not from where I'm sitting." Dean folded his arms, his unfriendly gaze locked on Castiel.

"I will leave if you wish, but I thought you would want to know that Sam is with Ruby."

That news was enough to propel Dean to his feet. "What? How?"

"It appears that Sam has his own...connection...to Ruby," Castiel said.

"I am so going to enjoy ganking that bitch," Dean snarled.

"Your brother would not be happy," Castiel said. "He is fornicating with her."

Dean suppressed a shudder. "Too much information. Can you get me out of here?"

"Of course." Castiel touched the lock and the door swung open silently.

"Where's Sam right now?" Dean asked.

Castiel's gaze became unfocussed. "He is still where you last saw him. I think they intend to leave soon."

"What about his memories?"

"Zachariah's wall will not hold for much longer. Sam is stronger than he expected. You need to be there when his memories do break through. It will be slow and painful, and there is a risk that he could slide into insanity."

"What are we waiting for?" Dean stepped out of the cell. He closed his eyes as Castiel's finger touched his forehead.

SNSNSN

Sam felt like he was suffering from a vicious hangover. There was a pounding pain behind his eyes, his stomach was unsettled and he wasn't too convinced about his balance. It was like standing right on the edge of a bottomless chasm, staring down into the dark.

"What's the matter?" Ruby asked.

Sam squinted at her. There was something tugging at the edges of his mind. Something important. His memories had become blurred as if he had two completely different sets lying one on top of the other and mixing into a sickening whirlpool. "I'm fine."

He recognized his words as an automatic denial of weakness; could almost hear a tantalizingly familiar voice ordering him never to admit to pain, sickness or vulnerability.

Ruby didn't question the obvious lie. "We need to get out of here."

Inbred suspicion flared. "Why?"

Ruby sighed. "You remember what I told you last night? Dean will be back and he makes you weak. He doesn't want you to succeed in your quest to stop Lilith."

He did remember, only it didn't sound quite right any more. "What happened to me, Ruby? I mean nothing feels right. One minute remember being raised by my uncle and the next I'm a kid living in some rundown hotel with Dean. It's all mixed up." He sat down heavily and rested his aching head in his hands.

"I'll explain it all to you later. Right now we need to go."

Sam swallowed back the bile that was rising in his throat. "I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on." He had a suspicion that he was sounding childish and didn't care. He was tired of being kept in the dark.

Ruby sat down next to him. "Sam, you need to trust me. You're not safe here."

Her words echoed round and round in his head. Trust? "You can only trust your family," he whispered. Yes, that was right and Ruby wasn't family. Sharp pain sliced through his head accompanied by glimpses of faces. He recognized Dean, and knew that this was the one person in the world he trusted without any reservation. An older man's face swam into focus, his dark eyebrows drawn down into a frown. "I'm sorry, Dad," Sam said, even though he had no idea why he felt a need to apologize.

Tears sprang to his eyes when the next picture rose in his mind. He was standing beside a fiercely burning pyre and knew that the body hidden by the flames was that of his father. His muscles began to shake uncontrollably and he toppled forward to lie on the floor. The pounding in his head increased. Ruby was calling his name over and over until he wanted to yell at her to shut up.

Then, hands were pulling him into a sitting position and he heard Dean's voice. His brother – Sam took hold of that thought – his brother sounded pissed. Dean and Ruby were arguing. He wanted them to shut up and leave him alone, but he couldn't form any coherent words. He gave up and clamped his teeth together to hold back the scream that was building in his chest.

"Leave him alone you skank," Dean yelled.

The voice was so close to his ear that Sam knew it was Dean who was supporting his weight. He felt like his head was about to explode and opened his mouth to beg Dean to make the pain stop. His breath hitched in his throat and the scream escaped, growing louder and louder until that was the only sound left in Sam's world.

Tbc

Caroline

March, 2011


	6. Chapter 6

**It's a Terrible Life**

**Chapter 6**

The one thing guaranteed to push Dean over the edge was the sight of his brother curled on the floor and moaning in pain. He crossed the space between them and dropped down to his knees, pulling Sam into his arms and mumbling meaningless reassurances. Sam's whole body was shaking as if he was in the grip of a seizure.

"This is all your fault," Ruby said. Her mouth was twisted into a sneer.

Dean gave her a murderous glare. "What did you say to him, bitch?" he asked. "What caused this?"

"You're trying to blame me? I was here to look after him. Where were you?"

"None of your damn business."

"When are you going to accept that I'm the only one who can help you stop Lilith? All your angel friends ever do is mess with your head." Ruby walked closer. "You're holding Sam back, just like always."

"Leave him alone you skank," Dean yelled. Then he heard Sam gasp and tightened his grip. "It's alright, Sam. I'm here."

That was when Sam began to scream, the sound filling the room.

Dean looked past Ruby to where Castiel was standing by the doorway. "Help him, Cass," he begged.

There was only the slightest hesitation before Castiel walked closer. Ruby backed hurriedly away. The angel bent down and rested his right hand on Sam's forehead.

Sam's screams faded to whimpers while Dean held his breath. When Castiel stood up, Dean was concerned to see a slight frown on the normally impassive face. "What?" Dean asked.

"The wall is crumbling."

"That's good...isn't it?"

"No. His two sets of memories are colliding. Sam cannot separate the truth from the lies planted in his mind by Zachariah. The human brain was never meant to suffer such intense trauma."

"There must be something you can do."

"I am sorry, Dean. Zachariah is the only one who can help your brother. I have made it less painful for Sam, but eventually the strain on his body will become too much to bear."

"He's not going to die," Dean said. "I won't let him."

"How touching," Zachariah said, appearing beside Castiel. "I warned you what would happen if you continued to defy me."

Dean ground his teeth together, tempted to let fly with a tirade of colorful insults. Instead, he looked Zachariah fearlessly in the eye and begged. "Please. I'm the one who pissed you off. Sam doesn't deserve to suffer because of me."

"Hold that thought," Zachariah told him, a self-satisfied smirk blanketing his face. "I have a few things to attend to first and, I must admit, I am savouring the moment."

"Bastard," Dean said savagely.

Zachariah turned round and took a couple of steps toward Ruby. Her usual arrogance had been replaced by the wariness of a cornered alley cat.

"I find your presence here to be offensive," Zachariah said. "You are an abomination who should not be walking the earth. If I could spare the time it would give me great pleasure to rip out your twisted black soul. As it is, I have more important things to do so be a good little witch and scuttle back to your master."

"I don't have a master." Ruby's voice shook and she edged closer to the door. "But, I'll go. I can't stand the stink of all that sycophantic holiness." She didn't turn her back on the angel until she had walked out of the room.

Zachariah's next target was Castiel. "You have some explaining to do, Castiel. I specifically instructed you not to help the Winchesters."

Dean was torn between concern for his brother and unease about what Zachariah might do to Castiel. To his relief, Sam's breathing had evened out and he no longer seemed to be feeling any pain. If he didn't know better, he would think that Sam had just fallen asleep. Without releasing his hold on Sam, he settled more comfortably on the floor and turned his attention to the two angels.

Zachariah was right in Castiel's face. Not that Cass was showing any reaction. He just stood as still as a statue.

"You disobeyed a direct order," Zachariah said. "I think it's time you came home for a refresher course on respecting your elders and betters."

"My orders to protect the Winchesters come from a higher authority than you," Cass said.

Dean watched with a great deal of satisfaction as a mottled flush spread up Zachariah's neck and into his face.

"We will continue this discussion later," Zachariah said. "You will learn your place, Castiel."

Castiel's steady gaze wavered and he turned away from Zachariah's blazing anger.

Dean's own anger surged. "You don't have to let him talk to you like that."

"This is not your concern, Dean," Castiel said. "Tend to your brother."

One minute Sam was still and peaceful. In the space of a heartbeat, that all changed. Sam's breath caught, his eyes flew open and his back arched as his muscles went into a violent spasm. His chest heaved with the effort of breathing, his face a mask of helpless fear.

"No!" Dean yelled. "Help him you son of a bitch."

"You really need to learn some self-control," Zachariah said, making no move to undo the damage he had done to Sam.

"I swear I will find a way to kill you, you sadistic bastard," Dean said.

"You aren't exactly motivating me to do you any favours," Zachariah replied.

Sam's breath was coming in short, shallow bursts. "Dean?" he whispered, "What...?" His eyelids slid shut and he fell still.

"Sam, wake up. Sam!" Dean pressed a hand to the side of Sam's neck, feeling for a pulse. When he looked up, tears were threatening to spill from his eyes. "He's dead."

Tbc

Caroline

June, 2011


	7. Chapter 7

This is the final chapter. I am grateful to everyone who has stayed with this story, especially through all the long delays. Thanks to those who gave reviews.

**It's a Terrible Life**

**Chapter 7**

The look of abject misery on Dean's face stirred an emotion that Castiel had never felt before – pity. For thousands of years he had watched humans living, loving, dying and suffering through unimaginable hardships. Not once had he felt anything other than a detached interest in these creatures that meant so much to his Father. He realised now that he had been changing since the day he raised Dean Winchester from perdition; turning from an angelic foot soldier to something more...or less. He wasn't sure which, and he wasn't comfortable with this new-found empathy.

Things were moving too fast. He had listened to Anna's treasonous words, finding them compelling even while he fought an internal battle against the idea of rebelling. He had witnessed Uriel's betrayal and had been faced with the knowledge that he would have been willing to kill one of his own brothers. The war with the followers of Lucifer had intensified, forcing him to come face to face with his own mortality. The Apocalypse was drawing steadily closer and Zachariah, instead of trying to stop the seals being broken, was more interested in torturing the two souls who had given their whole lives to hunting evil. He could no longer remain silent and subservient.

"Enough!" he said. "Restore Sam Winchester to life and return his true memories. We have too few humans willing to face the Lucifer's minions. To lose even one of them is foolish, and to antagonise them could change the outcome of the war."

Castiel was rewarded with the sight of Zachariah unable to form the words to express his outrage.

"You heard him, Baldy," Dean said. "Bring Sam back or you can kiss goodbye to any hope of me helping you against Lilith."

"You would be wise not to threaten me," Zachariah said. Despite his words, he reached over to touch Sam's forehead.

There was no immediate change. After a few seconds Castiel saw a slight movement as Sam began to breathe again. Instead of the pallor and rigidity of death, Sam now looked to be sleeping peacefully.

"It is time for you to leave," Zachariah said, glaring at Castiel. He snapped his fingers.

SNSNSN

Dean caught his breath as Castiel disappeared. "What did you do to him?"

"That is none of your concern."

After reassuring himself that Sam was breathing normally, Dean carefully eased out from behind his brother. Once Sam was lying on the ground Dean stood and stretched to remove the tension from his muscles.

"I don't take kindly to anyone hurting one of my friends."

"Angels and humans are not friends," Zachariah said with a sneer. "Only your arrogance would lead you to believe that would ever be possible."

"Where is he?" Dean ignored Zachariah's taunt.

"I sent him back to Heaven. He can stay there until I am ready to deal with him."

It was frustrating to know that there was nothing he could do, but Dean knew that Heaven was closed to him. After the terrible things he had done in the pit, and the fact that he had broken the first seal, he had no expectation of redemption.

"If you've finished jerking us around, I'm gonna check on Sam and get the hell out of this place as soon as he wakes up."

"Do what you like," Zachariah said. "I will find you when I need you."

"You still think you can order us around after everything you've done?"

"I think you will find that I can do anything I like."

Dean's hands curled into tight fists. "Fuck you," he said, all the pent up anger, fear and grief of the past few days combining to send him hurtling down a path of self-destruction.

SNSNSN

The first thing that Sam notices was that the muscles in his right leg were cramping. That was quickly followed by the realization that he was lying on something hard and uncomfortable. His memories of the last few days were hazy and confusing and his whole body ached. Was he recovering from an illness?

It came as no surprise to hear Dean's voice, although his brother sounded beyond pissed. The other voice wasn't familiar. It was as smooth as snake oil and sent a shiver down Sam's spine. That caused him to produce an involuntary groan. The voices fell silent. There was a sense of movement followed by a strong arm around his shoulders. Sam opened his eyes.

"Hey, dude. You back with us?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, I think so. What happened?"

With Dean's help Sam managed to lever himself off the floor and onto a sofa. The weakness was ebbing away although his confusion remained. A quick scan of the room didn't help. Neither did the presence of a balding round faced man wearing a smart suit.

Dean followed Sam's puzzled gaze. "Angel," he explained. "Bigger dick than Uriel."

"Still that lack of gratitude," the Angel said. "If we didn't need you, I would be happy to blast you into oblivion."

"Someone want to tell me where we are and what's going on?" Sam asked.

"Your brother required a lesson in humility," the Angel said. "He needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and start accepting his destiny."

"Destiny?" Sam said. "How about you stop being cryptic and explain it to me."

"Leave it, Sam," Dean said. "Zachariah's leaving."

Zachariah was showing no signs of leaving. In fact he looked like he was starting to enjoy himself. "Dean couldn't cope with the knowledge that he broke the first seal. His pathetic whining was becoming irritating."

"What?" Sam's gaze moved from Zachariah to Dean while he tried to process this unexpected revelation. "How?"

Dean's head was down, his eyes firmly fixed on the floor. "When I accepted Alistair's offer and began torturing souls I broke the first seal." He looked up, his face clearly showing his devastation. "I'm responsible for everything that's happened."

"It wasn't your fault," Sam said. "This was all part of Lilith's plan. They were always going to find a way to break you. You couldn't have known what their end game was."

"I should have known. I should have held out longer. Dad trained me better than that."

"He didn't expect you to be tortured by a demon for thirty years."

"Dad held out, Sam. Alistair tried for a hundred years to get the same deal, but Dad wouldn't give in."

"It doesn't matter," Sam said. "If they failed with Dad it only means they tried harder with you. We can't change what's happened. We can keep looking for a way to kill Lilith."

"See, your brother understands what has to be done," Zachariah said.

Sam glared at the Angel. "I remember what you did to me now," he said. "Dean's right about you being a dick."

Zachariah narrowed his eyes. "I've had enough of dealing with ungrateful humans. The seals are breaking so I suggest you get out there and find Lilith." He disappeared with a rustling of wings.

Sam pushed himself to his feet. "He's right. We need to get back on the road. Are you going to be okay?"

Dean's thoughts were hidden behind a bland mask that fooled most people into thinking that he didn't care very deeply about anything. "I'm fine, but we do have a problem. The cops impounded the Impala."

"Your car is parked outside," Castiel said, appearing in front of Dean.

"I thought Zach sent you back to Heaven," Dean said.

"He isn't as powerful as he likes to think. Returning your car is the least I could do to try and make up for what Zachariah did to you."

"Thanks, Cass. You need to watch your back," Dean said.

"I will be fine. Thank you for your concern."

Once they were alone, Sam looked around the apartment. "I'm not going to miss living here," he said. Our life is a long way short of being perfect, but it's never boring."

"You ready?" Dean asked, opening the door. "We've got work to do."

The End

Caroline

July, 2011


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